5.

After making love, Carolyn lay awake for probably half an hour. She talked to her husband, who after an initial effort at post-coital conversation, occasionally grunted from the edges of sleep.

“I just get this feeling like he’s vaguely insulting me constantly, but I can never quite pin it down. Just when I think he’s really being mean, an expression crosses his face, or he says something else, and I dismiss it. He’s just a strange one, that’s all. He’s just a poet. Even Conservative poets are eccentric, right?”

“…ugggh.”

“I think tomorrow I’m going to show him my poems.”

“…ugggh.”

“You don’t think it’s a good idea? Thomas? Wake up. You don’t think it’s a good idea?”

“…what?”

“Showing him my poems, you don’t think it’s a good idea?”

“Might consider it an imposition…”

“Why would he consider it an imposition? It wouldn’t take him long just to look at them and offer some advice, or praise. I’m hurt that you think it’s a bad idea. I think it’s a great idea.”

“…probably right, it’s a great idea. I’m wrong.”

“I don’t know, now you’ve got me doubting. But all this time I’ve been writing these poems, this could be my chance, don’t you think?”

“…ugggh.”

“Well, maybe I won’t show them to him after all.”

In the ensuing pause, Carolyn felt herself drifting off to sleep. The stirring of the baby in its crib across the room woke her. Liza did not wake up, however[d1]. Beside her, Thomas breathed deeply. He was sound asleep.

…if I were to show him what said he would O my Mrs. Poole what great pomms you have and if I said he said well the better to recommend them then my dear what then what odd that he should be alone man like that even wonder is he no not even another man bald egg and bad eyes not even another man but maybe if in the dark or those places men go for lonely ejaculations little hole in the wall place can’t imagine under him so glad so glad

but if I were to show him and if he were to say magic words unrecognized genius what then every woman has her fantasies like in that book Thomas kept in the bathroom cabinet what was it what was it oh dear by that woman what who was it Miss Nancy Saturday Night and all day Sunday what was that damned title The Secret Garden that’s it full of smutty fantasies supposedly by women they were wrote it for the men I think keep it in the bathroom where it belongs but I read it too oh and that one about that and that other one the woman and the german shepherd Woman’s Best Friend it was called couldn’t help but read like looking at a car accident phew getting hot again wonder if should I wake no he won’t wake already got his did he thinks I don’t know he keeps it in the basement now lightbulb out upstairs going down to look for a lightbulb just be a moment finding that spare lightbulb yeah think we’re their mothers wants me to be shocked if I catch him why Thomas what’s that in your hand have to keep something secret else goes the excitement suppose well let him I don’t care a Springsteen too she’ll let you in her mouth ah now there’s a one oh can I climb under you Mr. Overhill and now I’m Mrs. Underhill plow me up boss why thoughts these why thinking late it is late no early must be nearly four look light starting no just the street can’t tell the light by the time listen listen is that the baby no just turning over sleeps so sound blessed baby blessed mama never hardly had to get up with her blessed baby

if I were thinner we’d go to the beach like when I was little girl take Liza and Sarah remember that do Timmy always all the way through Thomas said that time I only been to the beach once in nineteen hundred and so doesn’t miss it but I miss it miss thin miss youth but only some of it miss no don’t miss Richard I remember always fall in love for a week then leave him and even if you see him next year too no love there anymore Richard will you touch it just touch it wasted a week on him then the last day he oh forget it Thomas met wiped away all old but I still remember think sometimes wonder who he thinks about Carrie or Sherry was it Carrie I think always had a crush on Carrie Fisher maybe that’s why he fell for Carrie again thinks I don’t know or Tammy yes thinks he pulled that one behind my back too when we were dating but I know funny I don’t feel much about it even kind of makes me hot to think of him touching her breasts Tammy of the multi-colored hair and piercings so young he was thinner too I always liked to just look at his butt now his pants are too big but he’s still got it when he’s naked wonder why she didn’t go for him more always wonder that wonder if there was something bad she saw I didn’t if he did that thing with his tongue and she laughed like I want to sometimes God like someone let the dog in the room Woman’s Best Friend but it said to spell the ABCs with my tongue what nonsense some fag thought of that never been with a woman I’ll bet shouldn’t say fag but they say it if the time is right why this thinking these thoughts ever my thoughts return to thee O sex I must be strange made that way only men think about sex

if I were to show him and if he were to say the magic words and the dream no more a dream what would I do this life what would it change nothing I think so why Thomas said my poems were what most impressed me about you so what more poetry I write for me my husband my children no need more what would he say anyway impressive Madam quite impressive while sneering inside oh yes I’m on to you don’t know what you’re playing at yet but I’ll figure it out if you give me time if the world if the word if time if…

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