Infomercials
14. Infomercials. I’ve got a rant in the works, but I’m too tired from the insomnia at 4:30 in the morning, and watching a solid hour of infomercials to write much more.
Seriously, infomercials get you because usually there’s really nothing else on but other infomercials. People who watch them have insomnia, get off work or really need some product that will restore their hardwood floors like that! Don’t spend thousands of dollars having your floor restored! Refinishing your porcelain in your bathroom can cost you thousands! Don’t clean or replace! Restore with restore4! And with this special offer, we’ll also include, absolutely free, extra solutions for other household problems. But if you call now (as if there’s any urgency at 4:30), in the next 20 minutes we’ll double your order. All you pay is extra shipping and handling and a pint of your first born’s blood! Call now!
The problem with informercials is that they suck you in, and wait for a while to tell you how much. It’s always a game of mine, to see how much all this will be. Even though I have no intention of buying anything off TV. Only three easy installments of just $49.99. A real bargain, huh?
If your product is so revolutionary, perhaps I will find it in the as-seen-on-TV aisle at Wal-Greens.
Infomercials at any time of day, I suppose, are also for the desperate. They always promise to change your life, and probably at a time where you’re weak. Especially if we’re talking weight loss products or exercise machines.
Bottom line. Get off my TV. I know the channels don’t want to pay for programming when they know nobody is watching, but come on. How much does any of repeat programming cost? Especially if you just repeat your day or evening lineup. For someone that doesn’t catch a lot of regular TV, that’d be much appreciated.
Your infomercial parody is hilarious! I like the infomercial for John Basedow’s “Fitness Made Simple” videos. This guy looks like some kind of freak! Or a gay porn star. The testimonials are my favorites. “In just three weeks of using ‘Fitness Made Simple,’ I went from a size 40 waist to a size 32! All of that in only ten minutes a day!” Basedow: “That’s right, in just ten minutes a day, you too can have abs like mine!”
One day, if I ever meet him on the street, I’d like to say, “Hey John, how do you like these abs? I’m not working on six-pack abs…I’m going for the jug of wine. You like it?”
I used to watch many an infomercial during sleepless nights…especially when I didn’t get off work until 1 or 2 a.m. That’s pretty much all that was on. And they have infomercials for everything on the planet. But sometimes, I wonder how they can do a 30-minute show on the revolutionary “Slicer Dicer.”
“Just look at how easy this is! Insert the onion, push down on the lever to slice, turn it to dice, and enjoy! Now let’s try a tomato! Ready everyone? Say it with us! Push to slice, turn to dice, enjoy!!!!”
You should hear the dreams I have after watching infomercials. They are really no good.
Matt — your entry is just too funny! You must let us know if you ever have the opportunity to use that line. I would love to hear the response of your unexpected “victim.”
And you can’t just look away. You get all those testimonials, the added features for free, and the big buildup to the shocker price.
It all seems so reasonable (at 4:30) until you hear the price.
I like the wine idea, too.
Plus, they’ve got workout stuff at the new apartment, which should be a plus.
After writing the entry, I spent a good 20 minutes of my life watching a Billy Blanks Boot Camp infomercial. I happen to like Tae-Bo. But this was another blatant capitalization on people who can’t spend enough on workout videos, not realizing that it’s more about discipline and will power and less about which new fad video or diet to buy into.
That said, I’m still fat. But when I was doing Tae-Bo for a year, I’d dropped about 20 pounds. I’m going to get back into it, once the dust settles (and had been trying for a couple of weeks to a month recently, but Heather was more diligent). But I will not be buying Billy Blanks’ Boot Camp or his Billy resistance cord thingie.
I have a gay friend who was in to Tae Bo for awhile. He’d do his Tae Bo thing, then go out on the porch for a smoke.
Is Billy Blanks that big, long-haired blonde guy who always has some tight young woman he’s assisting with her exercises? Every time I see him with his hands on her waist, “guiding” her through her motions while she grins like a botoxed ape, I think, “This is just porn with clothes on.”
Incidentally, I read in Maureen Dowd’s column yesterday that there is an exercise video for male senior citizens which features completely nude young women. The idea is that an old man will be more likely to exercise if the instructor is nude, I guess. Yeah, right. He may be exercising one hand, anyway.
Nude women exercising? Good god, that’s got to hurt. Though I suppose if they’re nude, they also are very thin and don’t have to worry quite so much about excessive floppage.
The blonde guy i believe is with that friggin glider thing that’s supposed to be an aerobic workout, but provides no resistance, so i don’t know what you’re actually doing.
Billy blanks is a muscular, bald black guy who always has a squad of people working out behind him, from the very fit down to slobs like me. the tae bo thing kicked off the kickboxing craze at just about every local gym.
Yoga is the thing to do at our YMCA. I practiced Yoga for quite awhile in college. I still use some of the stretches I learned back then. The Cobra is good for cracking the back. I use that one in the morning sometimes, as well as a couple others I do every morning regardless of how my back feels.