I am finding it difficult to talk about my quitting World of Warcraft without resorting to the language of addiction. Thus the word of the day is “trigger”: “Anything that has been repeatedly associated with the use of alcohol and drugs, thereby becoming a “conditioned stimulus.” Although it was initially psychologically neutral, exposure to it now will stimulate a thought about or craving for the substance.”
It’s a rainy Saturday, windy and cool, so there is no reason to go outside. My wife and son have been gone all day, back-to-school shopping. This would normally be the kind of day that I’d indulge for hours in some WoW playtime. It’s been tough resisting. I’ve thought again and again about reactivating my account. I’ve tried going over in my mind all the reasons I quit to begin with, but it’s tough thinking of them when the alternate part of my brain, the part that still wants to play WoW, is thinking of many more reasons why I ought to play.
A little bit ago, I even went out to Wal-Mart, just “curious” if they actually sold the game cards. I went in, thinking, “well, fifteen dollars for 30 days of play isn’t that much, after all, and just because I reactivate my account doesn’t mean I have to play.” I can control it, I said to myself. I won’t play as much. I’ll use the parental controls to limit my playtime, or at least send me that weekly report about number of hours played.
Wal-Mart does sell the cards, but the only ones my Wal-Mart had in stock were the 60 day cards for $29.96. In the end, I couldn’t justify the purchase, even to my addiction rattled mind.
I left without making the purchase and instead sought comfort in some greasy fast food.
Back home, feeling tense, and still wavering on my commitment to quit, I sat in my son’s room and began sorting his LEGOs by size/style. I’ve always found that doing something organizational sometimes relieves stress for me. When I was in Graduate School and needed a break from writing, I’d work jigsaw puzzles.
I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep this up, though. There is nothing but my own willpower stopping me from going in there right now, activating my account, and logging on. Even L. can’t stop me, really. I called her up when I was on my way to Wal-Mart and told her what I was doing. Her attitude is sort of laissez-faire: there are worse habits, and I’m a big boy who can do what I want.
I guess the question is, am I putting myself through this hell for nothing? There are men with what might be called addictions to sports and other activities. No one suggests they quit, do they? I used to read rather compulsively, and it would never have occurred to me that I read too much and ought to cut back or quit.
So what’s wrong with video games? Why do I feel like I need to restrict myself from a game I enjoy?
I have to remind myself: “Because I wasn’t enjoying it. I wasn’t enjoying it much at all. I was playing compulsively, not for the fun of it.”
I think if I’m going to get through this, I need to do two things: I need to stop listening to WoW podcasts, and I need to stop reading WoW-related news. Both of these things also act as triggers, reminding me of the game and what I’m missing. It’s sort of like how smokers find it difficult to quit if they continue hanging around with smokers or continue doing the same activities, in the same way, as before. I had a psychology professor in college who spoke about quitting cigarettes and how he’d deliberately go to smoke-filled places like bars, just to inhale second-hand smoke. And after awhile, he started smoking again. He had to leave all those places behind in order to really quit.
I just don’t know that I’m going to be able to do this. If I get through this weekend, next weekend, L. is going to Charlottesville, and I’ll be home alone again all day Saturday. As tough as it has been so far this weekend, I think it’s going to be tougher next Saturday.
Maybe I ought to just give in and get it over with. What I’d like to do is tell my old Alliance guildmates I’m coming back, reactivate my account, log in, and…
And I don’t know. Do what? What is there for me to do? Will anyone even care that I’ve returned? No, probably not. But I’ll have to live with the fact that once again, I tried to quit and couldn’t do it. Another week or a month will pass, and I’ll be bored out of my skull again, angry at the game for its hold on me, angry at myself for being so weak.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s so easy just to give in, and maybe after playing again for a little, I’ll discover that the desire was pretty illusory after all. Maybe what I need to quit is not abstinence, but just to give in one more time, just to prove that whatever fun I think I’ll have will be as ephemeral as the smoker’s first nicotine high after a week of being smoke-free.