A Pilgrim’s Digression

Scene II.
Theme music up after break: �This is my Bible� by Carman

“This is my Bible�I am what it says I am,
I have what it says I have,
I’ll do what it says I’ll do.
Ya’ll this is my Bible…”

(Day 2, 0700 hours. The briefing room of the One True Church of God, 215 S. Delphos St., Kokomo, Indiana. Pastor Roy Buckles briefs his Evangelists on their patrol routes for the day. Buckles stands in front of a whiteboard on which he has written a few helpful reminders, such as �There is no such thing as excessive force when enforcing God�s Law� and �Never forget: He was killed in the line of duty,� followed by a passage from the Bible, Judges 15:7. Pastor buckles is a small, portly man, with a mullet and a bristly, thick beard. His eyes hide behind glasses thick and dark as the bottom of red wine bottles. He never smiles, for the world is a grim place and he is one of the defenders against the tide of vice that plagues the city of Kokomo.)

PASTOR BUCKLES: We have had reports of women and girls not obeying the dress code in the 200 block of Sycamore Street. Reynolds, you�ll be assigned that sector today. Be sure to check out a patrol bicycle from the garage. Remember that when in doubt about the length of a woman�s skirt, use your hand. Place your palm so that the heal is at the hem of her skirt, and then with your hand flat against her leg, measure the distance. If your index fingertip does not touch at least the top of her ankle, the skirt is too short. Any kind of thin-strapped blouse is a violation of the dress code. If a woman�s bra strap is showing, however accidentally, that is a violation. Any clothing that accentuates or draws attention to the woman�s body is forbidden. Of course it goes without saying the woman�s head should be covered by a scarf or skull cap. This is extremely important.

REYNOLDS: I�m unclear about the rules regarding eye contact. Is a woman allowed to make eye contact with a man not her husband?

PASTOR BUCKLES: Only at five second intervals. Anything longer than five seconds and lust will ignite in her heart and she will be compelled to seduce him. Now, Evangelist James, we have reports of a house at 239 South Buckeye, the owner of which is thought to be in possession of materials that are in contravention of the Law of God and the Constitution of the United States. You will accompany Chief Investigator of Contraband Religious Paraphrenalia, Pastor Seebold Reinhardt, to the home and see what you can discover. Now then, you are all dismissed. Let�s get out there and make some judgments and hand down some punishments.

(Inside the Buick LeSabre belonging to Rick James. Pastor Reinhardt is in the passenger seat. The �Evangelists� cameraman sits in the back. The two Evangelists up front have to turn their heads partially when speaking to the camera.)

RICK JAMES: You never know what to expect on an investigation like this. We�re going to search this man�s house, and who knows what we�ll find. I mean, we have a vague idea�we know a little about him.

REINHARDT: And what we know is, this one�s a real doozy. Goes by the name of Neimuller, which ought to be a tipoff right there. He�s a former Catholic, says he converted during the First Mass Conversion. We don�t believe that�s true. He was educated in Jesuit schools before President Bush closed them all down, deported the priests to Ireland, and reopened them as government-funded Foundations for the Study of the Prosperity Gospel. Politically, he�s a liberal, a real free-thinker; a Jesuit education is something you don�t just forsake. It usually takes a bit of the rack and wheel to make you renounce a logical dialectic, and sometimes that doesn�t even work. So we think he�s a closet Papist and we�re going to try to convert him.

RICK JAMES: Damn! Oops, you�ll cut that out, right? The curse, I mean. Let me start over… Shucks, if this is going to be a conversion, I left my prints from the illustrated edition of Left Behind at home. Those always work wonders on a tough conversion. Jerry Jenkins autographed them himself, you know. That was just before he sealed himself in that underground bunker to await the Rapture.

(James pulls his car in the driveway of 239 South Buckeye and he and Pastor Reinhardt get out. As they warily ascend the steps to the house, Pastor Reinhardt points to a barely-concealed garden statue of the Virgin Mary behind some bushes.)

RICK JAMES: Bold one, ain�t he.

(He gives the statue a kick that smashes it against the side of the house. The breakage is loud, and from inside the house they hear stirrings.)

REINHARDT: Give yourself up, Neimuller! It�s all over. Come out now!

NEIMULLER: (from behind the door) You�ll never take us alive! We�ve got enough wine and eucharist wafers to feed us for the next year, and we aren�t coming out for you or anyone else! What�s more, we�ve got bootleg copies of all The Simpsons ever filmed, and we intend to watch them.

(From an upstairs window, someone suddenly begins chucking videotapes at the two Evangelists)

RICK JAMES: What the…why, these are the collected sermons of Benny Hinn!

REINHARDT: Fall back! Fall back! Rick, we�re gonna have to call for backup.

(As the two men scurry behind the Buick, one of the videos strikes Reinhardt squarely in the temple and he falls. Rick and the �Evangelists� cameraman grab the fallen hero under the arms and drag the insensible man behind the car. James opens the passenger door and reaches inside for the radio.)

RICK JAMES: This is Evangelist James requesting immediate backup! Evangelist down, repeat, Evangelist down! I need a faith healer here pronto!

DISPATCHER DORIS: Roger that, Evangelist James. Backup on the way.

(Within minutes, more Evangelists arrive, along with a van marked TWAT. A pick-up truck pulling a cattle trailer also pulls up, blocking off the street.)

RICK JAMES: (into a bullhorn) You’re almost out of time, Neimuller. Come out, or we�re sending in the TWAT team. (to the camera) He don�t know what he�s in for. TWAT stands for Teenage Witness Alleluia Team.

(James gives Neimuller five minutes)

RICK JAMES: (to no one in particular) Where�s that faith healer? This man could be dying here. Someone hold one of those Benny Hinn videos on his head, maybe the greatest faith healer of them all can work a miracle from the grave.

(Soon, a faith healer has scuttled between vehicles to a position at the side of the unconscious Reinhardt; the healer annoints his skull with salving oils and places a few drops of wine on his lips. Reinhardt begins to come to.)

JAMES: Finally! You’re going to make it, Buddy, you just hang in there! (putting the bullhorn to his mouth) Your time is up, Neimuller. I am sending in the TWATs.

(Across the street, the rear door of the TWAT van opens and five teenage girls and five teenage boys leap out and jog across the street to take up their positions in front of the sinner�s door. The girls all wear skull caps, kerchiefs covering their straight, waist length hair, underneath which their unadorned hair falls straight down their backs. The girls wear plain gray, wool skirts and neon-colored tee-shirts with Christian slogans on them. One girl’s shirt says �I�m hot for Christ,� and another says, �Some day my Prince will come…but not before marriage.� The boys all wear khakis and sneakers with their neon tee-shirts. Their shirts also tend to have more patriotic slogans, such as �Support our Stormtroopers With Prayer.� Another wears a shirt with the logo of an old TV show on it: �C.O.P.S: Christians Obediently Preaching Salvation. What you gonna do when He comes for you?� After forming up, the TWATs join hands and begin to sing, badly and very loud, an old song by a group called Pillar.)

�I’m a vessel of the spirit singin’ in this place
We’re battle soldiers caught in spritual warfare
fightin’ for the souls of the lost in this dark nightmare
Eternal flames and the gnashing of teeth, man
the thought of anyone living there we just can’t stand�

(Suddenly, from within the house comes an unmistakable beat. The Catholic sinner has cranked his stereo. At first, until the TWATs stop singing, no one is sure what music is playing.)

RICK JAMES: Oh my, is that what I think it is? That�s Iron Butterfly, �In-a-Gadda-da-Vida.� Storm that den of iniquity! Shut it down! Everyone!

(With a whoop the TWATs converge; leading the charge, the boys knock down the door with their shoulders. The older adults follow close behind, storming the house. In minutes, the sinner has been dragged out into his yard and lies senseless on the grass. His hair is close-cropped, and he is bespectacled and smells faintly of patchouli; in short he is the very model of a free-thinking, liberal Catholic.

The TWAT girls come out of the house, prodding a priest along in front of them by speaking in tongues at him. He covers his ears against their malarkey.)

TWAT GIRL: Found this one hiding in a secret closet under the stairs. Looks like it was his room. We found a Catholic Bible in there, along with material for conducting an unholy Catholic mass.

(Suddenly, a woman who had been hiding inside the house bursts out and runs across the lawn, trying to escape.)

REINHARDT: (fully recovered, he has again taken up his mantle of authority from James) We’ve got a runner! Take her down!

(The male members of the TWAT team tackle the running woman and pin her to the ground. Two of them remain on top of her a bit too long for Reinhardt’s taste.)

REINHARDT: OK, boys, that’s enough. Any of you need to confess an erection to me, I’ll talk to you in our patrol car. (to the camera) That’s the problem with these TWAT boys. All raging hormones.

JAMES: God job, Folks. There is no hope for these three, I�m afraid. We�ll have to turn ‘em over to the High Council for judgment. In the meantime, let�s unload the Proto-Evangelist to cleanse this street and make atonement to God and the President, not necessarily in that order.

(From the livestock trailer attached to the pickup truck, a man on a donkey descends to the street. The man wears a sarong made of animal skin and at intervals blows a ram�s horn. The donkey, named Bianca, clops slowly from one end of the street to the other as her rider winds his horn.)

RICK JAMES: (to the camera) He�ll have to do that for 12 hours without ceasing in order to fully cleanse this street. I admit, he has a double purpose, though. Hopefully, he will annoy other sinners enough that they will reveal themselves by shouting at him to shove that horn up his jackass. And when they do, we�ll be there. We live in a sinful world, and wherever there is sin requiring our professional judgment, that is where you�ll find us. We are the Evangelists.

DISPATCHER DORIS: We’ve got a report of a 116, that’s a First Corinthians 11:6, at 371 S. Ridgeway, all Evangelists in vicinity please respond…

(Fade Out)