What we have here…is failure to communicate
All my life I have been uncomfortable with social interaction. It’s not that I dislike people; I just have this chronic psychological condition which prevents me from getting involved with people, even on the most basic level, such as idle elevator chit chat. I keep my distance.
If a neighbor invites me to bring my wife and son over for a cookout, I decline. If a neighbor extends the invitation via my wife, my wife accepts. And I try to weasle out of it. In declining invitations, all I can think about is how painful it is to stand around with a bunch of people and try to think of things to say. Sometimes even social interaction with people I might consider friends is difficult. Even family reunions are painful, and I try to avoid them. I cannot talk to people, even family. My wife has to pester me to phone my parents and grandparents occasionally. Even talking on the phone is too uncomfortable for me.
I don’t have parties. I certainly don’t go to parties. I don’t have friends over because I don’t even have friends. Not a single one. It’s a wonder I ever even married.
I’d like to make a friend, but I don’t know how to begin. In part, I think my problem is an uneasiness with spontaneity. Yesterday at a meeting, I noted that people were sitting so that there was always one chair in between themselves and the next person. Even though I entered right behind a woman, I sat down so that there was one chair in between myself and her.
Soon after I sat down, another woman co-worker—call her E.—sat down right next to me. She smiled and said, “I’ll sit closer.”
Immediately, I felt very uncomfortable. In part, my discomfort was because she was attractive; married men aren’t supposed to notice that other women are attractive. But more than that, I felt uncomfortable because I did not know what, if anything, I was supposed to say.
Of course, afterwards I thought I should have mentioned how people were keeping a certain distance between themselves and others in the meeting room. That would have been a good topic of light conversation. I can’t think of those things spontaneously, at the moment they would be most effective.
E. made a comment about the meeting being at a bad time, 2:30 in the afternoon. I agreed.
Then she said, “Why isn’t the meeting in the usual room? They are going to lose a lot of people who don’t read their emails and don’t know to come here.”
“I don’t know,” I said.
All the while, my mind is working, working, trying to think of something brilliant, or funny, or at least appropriate to say. But my mind does not work that way.
After my “I don’t know,” E. seemed to be waiting for me to say something else, at least that was my impression. When I said nothing, she said, “Well, I am going to have to leave a little before three because I have another meeting at three o’clock.”
Then silence. The meeting began. In the middle of the meeting, E. rose and departed, and once again, order was restored. There was an empty chair on both sides of me, separating me from the other meeting participants.
My personality deficiencies also extend to a desire to avoid conflict with people at all costs. What I am about to relate does not reflect well on me.
Tuesday, as I was descending the escalator to the Metro at Union Station, I noticed that someone ahead was not obeying the “stand to the right, walk to the left” rule. I always walk on escalators, no matter how steep, so I am always a bit put out when some idiot wants to stand beside his True Love on the escalator. Or worse, when some moron tourist parks their luggage beside them on the escalator.
I get right up on the back of the woman I think is blocking the escalator, and just as I am about to say “excuse me,” I realize that she is in an argument with a man in front of her, who is the one really blocking the escalator.
This isn’t just an argument. It could well become an assault.
The woman isn’t saying anything that I can hear, but my assumption is she asked the man in front of her to step aside. Maybe she said it in a nice way, maybe not. I’ve heard people shout down the escalator before, “Stand to the right Asshole!” I’ll give this woman the benefit of the doubt and assume she simply said “excuse me.”
But this man is pissed.
“Why don’t you mind your own business, you cracker motherfucker before I hit you in your big-ass forehead,” he says to the woman.
She is white, well-dressed, curly-frizzy hair. Middle-aged and not bad-looking. The woman says something so softly I can’t hear it, something maybe like, “I just asked you to step aside.”
The man says, “I’ll move my ass when the escalator gets to the bottom now why don’t you just shut your cracker mouth, Bitch.”
The woman doesn’t say anything else that I hear. In fact she is refusing to even make eye-contact with the man, who even though he is a step down from her is tall enough to get right in her face threateningly. The man has a girlfriend, too, who is apparently standing beside him blocking the right side of the escalator. The girlfriend is also pretending this isn’t happening. She looks straight ahead. Maybe (hopefully) she is ashamed about the way the man she is with is acting.
This guy just won’t quit. It’s rare to see someone so angry. He’s in this woman’s face cursing her. Then he looks up the escalator, right at me and then behind me, and he says, “All you cracker motherfuckers can wait I don’t give a fuck.”
Then he turns back to the woman who apparently started it all and curses her a few more times. Then the escalator reaches the bottom. He gets off, and as the woman behind him gets off and tries to get away, he follows her, trying to get right up on her, still cursing. Finally, as they round the corner within sight of Metro police, he backs off.
The reason I say this event does not reflect well on me is that I was right behind the woman who had gotten herself into this mess. I should have said something to the man, even if it were just “relax.” I feel like such a coward because I did not say anything to this man. If I had said something, it probably would have drawn his ire away from the woman and towards myself. But that’s what I should have done.
Instead, I stood there trying to ignore what was happening. Everyone else was doing the same thing, but that doesn’t make it right that I said nothing.
Since it happened, I’ve been thinking a lot about that incident. I should have said something. The way I look at it, it was my duty to say something that would take the heat off that woman. Just as it is my duty to give my seat to a woman on the bus, even if I have to stand. I haven’t noticed anyone else in Washington with that same sense of duty, but that’s the way I feel.
I could not stand up to that man, and I think that is just another manifestation of my personality flaws. I keep my distance from people, even to the point that I would not stand up for someone in trouble. If he had suddenly become physically violent towards her, not just verbally abusive and threatening, would I have acted then? Next time I witness something like that, will I take action? I hope so. God, I hope so.
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I really like this post and what you have expressed here. I am really the opposite. I talk to people too much. I’m just like the woman who sat next to you. But we have our own issues. Like if I was that woman sitting next to you, I would have probably would have felt bummed and a bit rejected if you didn’t talk back, which of course I know, reading your post, you would not intend, but it shows we all have our own insecurities! I have to learn to not take that so personally!
See for me, my greatest highs come from engaging someone and talking to them and them talking back and you learning somehting and making a new friend. I can be ‘up’ all day from a good random conversation. Like there is this bank teller I see every day and she is really fun and we always talk heaps, and yesterday I said ‘hey we should do lunch sometime’ - taking a big risk because of course she could totally reject me - but she was totally excited that I had suggested that, and we are going to get together in our lunch breaks next week.
Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is that your post helped me understand other non-talky people better…
Comment by Bronwen — Thursday, 9 June 2005 @ 9:48 am
See, even if I might want to, I could never ask a stranger to lunch. Constitutionally, I am too bound up with my own fears: fear of rejection, fear of looking foolish, even fear of making a friend. If I were to make a friend, that would entail all sorts of new committments. And then there is the fear that we will hit it off, but the friendship will come to an end one day. That is my biggest fear, I think: I don’t want to get involved because of the certainty of eventual loss.
Hell, I don’t even ask potential friends to lunch. Recall a few weeks ago I went to lunch with a co-worker on the day of the “plane scare” evacuation. I’ve been trying to get up the nerve to one day ask him to go to lunch with me at Eastern Market, but I can’t bring myself to do it. We had good conversation the one time we went to lunch together, but this time it might be difficult, and thus the lunch would be ruined.
Comment by Matthew — Thursday, 9 June 2005 @ 10:01 am
I was incredibly shy as a child. Terrified of pretty much everyone and everything. My mother endlessly told people I was super-sensitive. I was.
I still am, but some time in college, through my involvement in theater, I learned how to fake extroversion. Now, if you told many of my co-workers that I am an introvert, they wouldn’t believe you. I still don’t think of anyone I’ve known less than three years as a friend.
I only have a few friends, but my acquaitance is wide. Probably some of those acquaintances think we are friends. But after a few years, many catch on that I am merely pretending. My daughter calls it hypocrisy when I talk with the neighbors, shopkeepers, teachers, et al. I guess she is right. I just seem friendly and outgoing. It is uncomfortable, mouthing platitudes, but it is actually easier. It was hideously uncomfortable being a complete loner.
I do have some friends, and they are wonderful. But mostly, I still like to be alone. I LOATHE parties, meetings, church, shopping. Horrible, fear-filled things. But I keep that a secret. Don’t tell.
Comment by Lisle — Thursday, 9 June 2005 @ 12:42 pm
I do the “mouthing platitudes” thing. The weather is always a good fallback position for conversation, for example. But I hate it. I feel so phony. I’d rather not talk at all.
My grandmother called me “backward,” which was her word for “super sensitive” I guess. I hated church because of the social interactions it forced upon me, but I felt I had to go to church or else be damned. To this day, I most dislike the part of a service where people shake hands and/or hug.
Comment by Matthew — Thursday, 9 June 2005 @ 12:49 pm
Your honesty in this post has been as timely as Shel’s post about the Type A and Type B individuals.
I have always found it easy to be cordial out in public, but have found it difficult to committ to a friendship and have few close friends (for many of the same reasons that you had commented about). In fact, I have not had a relationship in over four years just for many of these reasons. But, I have no regrets and value the few friends I do have.
Comment by Brandi — Friday, 10 June 2005 @ 12:34 am
Mine was actually a response to Shel’s post. It’s an intriguing and timely subject, as you say.
I should issue a correction, however. I do have a couple friends, of course; and by friend, I don’t mean acquaintance. I mean someone I think of more like a brother or sister. That means “friend” to me. However, our relationship is an on-line relationship primarily. We might actually see each other once a year for an hour or two. Other than those friendships, I keep people at a distance, do not make much effort to get to know people at work beyond what is necessary, etc. Sometimes I do have a pang of regret and wish I were more extroverted, but when I think about actually doing something about that, I decide making new friends is more trouble than it’s worth.
Comment by Matthew — Friday, 10 June 2005 @ 10:32 am
Matthew, I honestly think if you’d have said something to that young guy, the situation would only have gotten worse. The woman also kept to herself, which didn’t shut the guy up but didn’t provoke him more. I can’t see how that person could’ve been ‘reasoned’ with in light of his attitude. I find that when someone’s completely ‘lost’ it, the best thing is to get out of that situation. (Now if there’s physical assault involved, that’s another thing.)
Comment by wadulisi — Friday, 10 June 2005 @ 10:49 am
You’re probably right, but at the moment it was happening (and afterwards), I felt like my silence was wrong. I’ve developed this city-person’s attitude of “don’t look, and keep on walking,” and I find it ethically troublesome. Daydreaming afterwards, I imagined myself defending this woman, kicking the man down the escalator, or breaking his arm or something. In reality, it probably would’ve been me kicked down the escalator or having my bones broken. He might have hesitated before assaulting a woman, but he probably would not have felt any need to hesitate before attacking me. But I still feel like my silence was wrong.
Comment by Matthew — Friday, 10 June 2005 @ 11:03 am
I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert. But if you would ask “Jam” or “Dust in the Wind” they would say the opposite. I don’t know. There are moments where I can hardly break the envelope of silence, as if words weigh a ton and “who am I to dare disturb the universe?” Words seem the height of vanity. At other moments, I can start conversations with complete strangers at the drop of a hat. Frankly, I can be quite flakey conversationally (which makes me feel socially inadequate (bad) or fun and original (good) by turns). Sometimes it would be best if I were not to talk. I suppose success and a gradual mastery of my field allow me to talk more comfortable (ok, with people in the academy who know what postmodernism is). Being more comfortable in my skin has certainly allowed me to converse more easily. . . But, ultimately, away from the crowd (which forces conversation) I am very suspect about the certainty of speech–I am much more vexed and much more ill at ease with some of the ideas I propagate than it would seem from my conversation. Conversation simply elides too much of this anxiety.
Comment by Todd — Friday, 10 June 2005 @ 2:54 pm
I’m a nonsocializer too. I can be very shy, which is a suprise to the people who know me well. I don’t know what to do with silences, and hate making small talk. Sometimes I force myself to do it, often in part of my job. I don’t like going out, and I don’t like hanging out with more than a very small group of people. Four people is about my comfort zone.
I’m also not comfortable making a fuss in public. You were hesistant to say something to that guy on the escalator. I would have been the same way. I might make soft, caustic comments to a companion in the hope that the offender might hear … but I have a problem with direct confrontation.
I like being left alone by strangers. I try to be polite when they strike up conversations, but usually, if I make real friends, it’s because the friend has made an effort to envelop me in. I often feel sad when I’m not included by people I think it might be nice to be friends with, but I can never make that first move myself.
Comment by Mel B. — Saturday, 11 June 2005 @ 5:49 pm
Well, Matt, if it makes you feel any better, I was in a similar (though far less scary) situation recently as well (see the Scribbling for 5/20) and I didn’t do anything either. The feeling that I should have is very strong, and so I’ll hope and pray along with you for the courage to say and do something the next time. I applaud your courage to say this here. It makes me feel less lonely in my experience.
Comment by Scott — Saturday, 11 June 2005 @ 8:10 pm
Is introversion/shyness/etc. a matter of attention? (I’ve been extremely shy/social phobic my entire life, so I should know.) The people I’ve known who were sucessful at transitioning from introversion to “social butterfly” shifted their attention from their anxious reactions to a “fascination with the moment”–not an easy thing to do, but it worked for them.
Comment by Tammy — Sunday, 12 June 2005 @ 10:19 pm
I don’t know if introversion is a matter of shifting one’s point of view or not. I tend not to think so. It’s more deeply psychological, less controllable than that. There are drugs to treat the severest cases, such as people who are intensely phobic about leaving their house. So I don’t think it is something easily cured.
Comment by Matthew — Monday, 13 June 2005 @ 9:23 am
I think much of the problem in being shy in the US is that we think we need to “cure” our shyness (I’m not talking extreme cases, of course).
Comment by Tammy — Monday, 13 June 2005 @ 6:16 pm
To add a wrinkle: what are we to think of Matt–our Pilgrim–who in my opinion is one of the best bloggers here at the Brood? In his blogging at least Matt is very social and very chatty. I, on the other hand, have many friends, but am horrible at blogging. I am horrible at leaving chatty comments, or writing chatty blogs. I feel most at home typing out a long analysis of a film or novel, or talking theology. My prose is simply deadening to conversation on a general level.
So, here we have a wonderful situation where the online world has indeed enabled serious social interaction. Despite little lulls the brood has become a supportive and interactive space in which many people have found creative and personal outlets–have found themselves.
Comment by Todd — Monday, 13 June 2005 @ 10:10 pm
Internet relationships are very easy for me because there is little chance I am ever going to have to meet the people with whom I communicate. Thuse there are no complications as there are in “real life” with “real” friends. I prefer the distance that the Internet places between me and others. I feel comfortable getting to know people without ever having to meet them.
Comment by Matthew — Tuesday, 14 June 2005 @ 7:19 am
This is such an interesting dialogue that I have to add another comment…or two… 1. Why is shyness seen as such a social problem, and people who talk too much and are loud is not a social problem. (ie why would you prescribe drugs for one, but not an extreme form of the other - or is the extreme form of the other something like a ‘manic’ state?)
2. I think people who talk too much and are the complete opposite of a shy person, have social problems too, which was part of the point of my first comment. Like I always talk too much when i’m nervious - eg a job interview - and whats worse, when i’m nervous I always say dumb irrelevant things - not so good in a job interview or when you are trying to impress someone.
3. This might sound strange, but I think I talk to people as a way of reassuring myself that I’m normal, hence the desire to talk when I’m nervous…does that make sense at all?
Comment by Bronwen — Tuesday, 14 June 2005 @ 3:48 pm
That makes perfect sense. I’ve often thought the same thing about why we treat shyness as an illness and gregariousness as “normal.” I think it comes down to which traits are seen as desirable and which aren’t. Have you seen those commercials for drugs that treat what they call “Social Anxiety Disorder?” The way they describe the “disease,” it’s nothing more than shyness. It’s like ADHD used to be considered having a short attention span, or being contrary. Now it’s a disease treated with amphetamines.
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