A Pilgrim’s Digression

Need a sure sign that western civilization has reached the nadir of decadence? I know what you’re thinking, and no it has nothing to do with sodomy.

Recently, I noticed that Starbucks has begun selling something called Chantico™ drinking chocolate. Now instead of coffee, one can buy a cup of “drinking” chocolate. Fortunately, the beverage—if it can be so called— only comes in one size, 6 oz.

Poor country mouse that I am, I find it hard to imagine the thoroughly dissolute person who would raise a cup of pure, liquid chocolate to their lips and pour it into their body. If this catches on, pretty soon we’ll all just be lying about in bed drinking chocolate, having fat sex, and watching “American Idol.” All of which sounds pretty good to me except for the “American Idol” part…but still. We aren’t supposed to indulge in something just because it feels good.

According to the nutritional information on the Starbucks website, a 6 oz. cup of “drinking” chocolate contains 390 calories, of which 190 calories are from fat. 8 oz. of Pepsi Cola only has 100 calories. Can you imagine drinking the equivalent of almost 4 eight oz. bottles of Pepsi in one cup of chocolate? One might as well go to a plastic surgeon and have a reverse liposuction, just have forty pounds of globby fat injected right into the waist and buttocks.

I hope I never sink so low as to drink a cup of chocolate.

On another, not unrelated subject (I promise it relates in an indirect way), I finally went to the doctor about my lower back pain. I am only thirty-two, and I can’t sleep at night for back pain. Typically, sometime between one and four I wake up with a spasming back. Sometimes the pain feels more like bladder pain, but going to the bathroom does not relieve it. I get up, stretch, take some Aleve or aspirin, and try to get some more sleep by propping myself up in bed. I cannot sleep on my back or left side, only on my right side.

The doctor decided I am probably suffering from musculo-skeletal pain that is interfering with my sleep. I didn’t exactly need her to tell me that, but I did need her to do something about it. She prescribed prescription-strength Aleve, muscle relaxants to help me sleep, and Yoga (which I was already doing). I have not yet taken any of the muscle relaxants because I don’t want to become dependent on them for sleep. The Aleve is powerful stuff, however, and I am grateful for it.

The doctor also had me pee in a cup, apparently so she could rule out kidney problems. She scrutinized its color in a way that reminded me of that film The Madness of King George, particularly the scene in which the King’s doctors examine his stool and urine for color and consistency. Not finding anything amiss, she stretched my legs this way and that, felt down my back, pressed on the muscles of my lower back, and finally made her diagnosis and wrote her prescriptions.

Now the pain is beginning to extend over into my waking life. It is not as bad as at night, but even sitting in my ergonomic office chair at work, I can feel a twinge of pain almost constantly. In a couple weeks, once my upcoming vacation is finished, I am going to have some X-Rays to determine that the pain is muscular and not spine-related. Hopefully then some course of action can be taken, but I don’t know what. From what I understand, people sometimes have to live with lower-back muscular pain all their life.

My wife suggested maybe the pain is weight-gain related. I was too embarassed to mention that to the doctor, and she did not suggest it. I weighed 178 pounds on Friday, and I am only about five foot seven inches, so there is not much height there for the weight to spread out. I’ve put on maybe twenty or thirty pounds over the past three years since taking my kooshy government job. For a long time, by never weighing myself I was able to sustain the belief that I still weighed only 150 pounds. That is no longer possible.

The problem is I sit on my butt in front of a computer all day at work. When I was a teacher and librarian, I was much more active. Now, I walk fifteen or twenty minutes from Union Station to Capitol Hill of a morning, and back again at night, and that is about the extent of my exercise, besides sex. And I do not underestimate the benefits of sexual exercise, but unfortunately it isn’t happening often enough to work off the pounds. If it were, I’d probably be having other problems in addition to my back.

Life is tough. I am tempted to say I need a drink of chocolate.