A Pilgrim’s Digression

Of Onan we know little, but much hermeneutical ink has been spent upon what little we do know. In the Book of Genesis, we learn that Onan was a son of Judah, and that when his brother Er died leaving no offspring, under Jewish law Onan was required to conceive a child with his widowed sister-in-law. Onan, knowing that the child would not be his child, practiced coitus interruptus each time he lay with his brother’s wife. For that, God killed him. From four verses in the 38th chapter of Genesis, much of the Christian church’s teachings on human sexuality are derived.

With the recent discovery of a lost piece of the Apocrypha, the Book of Onan, our understanding of God’s Will for the member of His body, in regards to human sexuality, is greatly increased. It has been my great honor to have been chosen by the Vatican to edit this small, yet remarkable book, the Book of Onan. It is my contention, as well as the contention of those other Theologians who have read it, that in this book we have a genuine work of Apocrypha. Accordingly, we have recommended to Pope Benedict that he immediately give consideration to the inclusion of this book in all future editions of the Holy Word.

Perhaps some explanation is in order detailing how such a treasure as a previously unknown text of Holy Scripture came into the hands of the Brothers of the Holy Prepuce.

As has so often happened in the past—one thinks of Bernadette Soubiroux or Catherine of Siena—God chose to reveal himself to a humble girl. A female student from Italy studying at the Catholic University of America, Marie de Lupanar, found the document in a shallow cave in a wooded park near the school. Students from other Washington, D.C.-area Universities have long utilized the cave for riotous debauches, and Marie was undertaking an investigative report on the matter for the University student newspaper. There it was, amidst the empty liquor bottles and used condoms, that Marie made the most significant discovery of Biblical archaeology since the scrolls of Qumran: a wire-bound notebook containing a handwritten, late twentieth-century copy of the long-rumored, yet feared lost Onanist scripture.

Marie took the notebook home with her and, pious girl that she is, she mentioned it the next day to her Confessor at CUA, Father John Irrumo. As she knelt before him in the confessional, describing her find so matter-of-factly, Father Irrumo began to feel an exquisite joy at what he knew to be a singular discovery by this unwitting girl. At his request, Marie presented Father Irrumo with the notebook. Fortunately, he recalled my interest in Onanist writings from our days together in the Catholic University New Testament Society. In fact, in our youth he and I both had a mutual interest in the solitary pleasure of poring over old books looking for clues to the discovery of the lost book of Onan, but my interest had not abated with age while Father Irrumo had redirected his passion towards the instruction of the young.

Since the day that the book of Onan came into my hands, my Jesuitical Brothers in the Order of the Holy Prepuce and I have spent our energies thoroughly analyzing every word of the text, and we have come to the conclusion that it is indeed a true copy of the lost book. Although it is only a copy, it provides us with perhaps our most significant clues as to what may have happened to the original document. In a very brief marginal note, the anonymous scribe who copied the text in the previous decade describes how when he was but a young Seminarian, a Priest at the unnamed school first showed him the Book of Onan in the first of many private meetings between the two. It was the beginning of an intense relationship between the two men and the text as they studied it together, carefully copying the Hebrew original into the Seminarian’s notebook; some of the text even appears to be in the neat, fluid hand of the priest himself.

What happened to the original is anyone’s guess, but my supposition is that it remains in private hands. The text has probably been handed down from priest to priest for centuries, each of them keeping it a secret as if they were guarding a Dead Sea Scroll that would overturn tradition. Now having read the text for the first time, I can understand the reasoning why it should be kept secret, and yet it seems to me in our day and age we need this book more than ever.

Parish priests must routinely deal with questions of sexuality for which the Bible ill-equips them. A young married couple comes to a priest for counseling and asks, “Is sodomy between a man and wife lawful in God’s eyes?” or, with alarming frequency, a couple might ask if it is lawful for the woman to sodomize the man with some sort of sexual instrument. Young couples in marriage counseling with their priest ask, “Is any method of contraception lawful?” And the priest cannot point to any specific passage in the Bible that declares God for or against contraception, save the “pull out and pray” kind practiced by Onan. Yet the Church forbids the use of contraception, and so must the priest. Additionally, young men have always gone to their priest with questions about self abuse, questions which the traditional story of Onan as told in Genesis cannot really answer, though it has been shoe-horned into doing so.

The Book of Onan remedies the deficiencies of the Bible in dealing with specific matters of sexuality faced by modern men and women. As it turns out, Onan’s sexual history was far more varied than previously known, and there is scarcely a single perversity he did not commit. Coitus interruptus was but the last sin in a series of shameful acts, which perhaps explains the enigma of why God should punish so harshly what seems to us a minor infraction: spilling his seed upon the ground, rather than doing his Biblical duty to impregnate his widowed sister-in-law.

I therefore propose that until the Pope sees fit to accept my recommendation that the Book of Onan be included among the Apocrypha, individual parishes should supply their priests with reference copies of the book of Onan for the instruction of young and old alike. No doubt it will provide my Brothers in Christ with many happy hours of gratification, and their congregations with an infallible guide to the proper use of the sexual organs.

Father Hanlon O’Toole
Abbey of the Holy Prepuce
Ballston, Virginia
October 2005

Ed. Note: Since initially announcing the discovery of the Book of Onan in the June issue of Cacare Bis in Die, several scurrilous critics have written articles alleging that I have been duped. According to these critics, the Book of Onan is a titillating bit of modern satire of unknown authorship common to every Catholic seminary in the land. Nonetheless I utterly stand by this book as a legitimate example of ancient scripture, and I stand by my belief that the Church would be the better for recognizing it as such.

And it happened in those days that Judah went into the land of Noggin wherein he met a certain Dolomite whose name was Hurrah.

Now Hurrah had a daughter called Meholah, that is “morning sickness,” and Judah took Meholah and went in unto her, and she conceived and bore a son and named him Err.

Then she conceived again and bore a son and named him Onan. It was in the land of Noggin that she bore him.

Now Onan grew up strong in the Lord until the time that he came of age.

Then it was he began to take his privy member in his hand and he did sow his seed in the morning and in the afternoon and in the evening and while he slept, and the sight of him was an abomination unto the Lord.

Thus it was the Lord killed Hurrah and said unto Onan, “This be your punishment, you whelp. Get from my sight and go into the Valley of Quim where you might learn the proper place for your member.”

And so Onan departed his father’s house in shame, and he went into the Valley of Quim and there sought refuge.

And it happened that he came to the house of a man named Albumin, and Albumin had a daughter named Admatha, which is to say “Cloud of Death.”

And Onan took her and went unto her, but she would not lie with Onan as women ought to lie with men, for she feared conceiving.

Admatha offered unto Onan the posterior entrance and Onan took it, and God was wroth. And God slew Admatha, and caused a foul stench to spring from her corpse.

And God said unto Onan, “Even though your wife be dead, you will lie with her as a man ought to lie with a woman, and her corpse shall not rot though it will stink, and from it I will bring forth the child you should have conceived while she lived.”

And Onan said, “O Lord, you ask too much. I cannot obey.” And though he lay with the corpse, only his heart was hardened.

And God was angry and cast Onan out to wander further.

And God said, “How much longer shall I suffer this wicked man to live?”

And Onan wandered for ten years, and God’s anger grew against him at every disobedient act.

Thus it was in the land of Putz that the tyrant Faigelah was enamored of Onan, and God warned Onan, saying, “This Faigelah is foul in my eyes, for he has committed many bad acts with men and animals. If you submit to his entreaties, your father shall surely die.”

And Faigelah threatened Onan, saying, “Submit to me in whatever way I wish, or else I will have your father’s throat cut and every limb of his body pulled from its socket and scattered to every corner of the land.”

And Onan said, “If I submit to you, God shall surely kill my father, and if I don’t submit to you, you shall cause my father’s throat to be cut and his body dismembered and his limbs sent to every corner of the land. At least God will kill him quickly.”

And so Onan submitted to Faigelah’s wishes, and Faigelah arranged for an orgy involving himself, Onan, six boys, and a donkey. And after it was done, God was wroth, and Judah was struck in the head and killed by the blade of an axe that separated from its handle one day while he worked in the fields.

And Onan was sore, and his pride was bruised and most of his family dead because of his sin.

And Onan cried out to the Lord, “Lord, Lord, am I never to know peace in this world? In my youth, I committed a solitary sin that hurt no one, for which I am being punished to this day. Why is your anger so stirred against me?”

And God spoke to Onan from a thick cloud and said, “O child of Judah, how much longer will you provoke me? Is it not commanded that thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground, which is to say in barren places?”

And Onan fell upon his face before the Lord, and he said, “Lord, your wrath is just indeed, but I would have been obedient to you in everything else had I been allowed this one solitary vice.”

Then the Lord answered Onan again from the dark cloud, saying, “Is it not said that ‘for the cost of a little vice one could raise two children?’ And yet who is this that disputes with the Lord? Who is this that speaks without knowledge? Will he contend with the almighty and instruct him in righteousness? He that reproves me, let him speak.”

And Onan said, “I am wretched, for I cannot shut up my mouth. How long will you oppress your servent? To the beast of the field that commits all manner of crime without knowledge, you show infinite mercy, but to your own servant you will show none.”

And immediately the anger of the Lord was kindled anew, and He said unto Onan, “You Son of Belial, you are none of mine. I spew thee out of my mouth. From henceforth you shall be called Mastabah, that is, “unclean shaft.” And the palms of thy hands shall bear a mark, so that men might know you. So shall you be known to righteous men all the days of thy life.”

And God said, “Even so, I am not an unjust God. I will give you one more opportunity to redeem yourself. I have slain your brother Err, for he also was wicked in my sight. You must now fulfill your duty under the law and go to his wife Leboath, which means “lewdness,” and lie with her and produce offspring for your dead brother.”

And Onan said, “Oh Lord…”

And the Lord said after a moment, “Yes?”

And Onan said, “No, I meant just ‘Oh Lord,’ Lord.”

And God said, “Oh.”

And Onan departed for the land of his birth, the land of Noggin, and there he did as the Lord said and went unto his brother’s wife, and lay with her.

But Onan knew the offspring would not be his, but would be raised by others to despise him, and so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his seed on the ground.

Now what he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight, and the Lord put him to death also by having a camel kick him in the groin. And when Onan’s first cousin Ham came of age, he lay with Lesboath and conceived a child for his uncle Err.

For that was the law of Israel in those days, and in this day as well.