A Pilgrim’s Digression

[Following is a piece of fiction I wrote on Sunday. This is not a side-splittingly funny piece; it's more along the lines of "funny if it weren't true." I was inspired to write this after hearing a sermon in which the pastor mentioned that many of the Megachurches who had been so stridently fighting against the "war" on Christmas in December nonetheless did not hold services Christmas Day because Christmas fell on Sunday!]

Seasons Meetings

While Christian groups are warring to make sure that business and government workers say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays,” one place you won’t hear either greeting this December 25 is at many of the largest churches in the country. That’s because…the churches won’t be open that day. ["Megachurches Cancel Christmas." Ted Olson. Christianity Today online December 7, 2005.]

[Minutes of a meeting of the Board of Directors and Union officials for the King of the Mountain Church, Rocky Road, Colorado.]

Meeting called to order at 2:30 PM, December 10, 2005. In attendance:

Rev. Paul Goodenough
Assistant Pastor Walter Kacalek
Arthur Eck, Accountant
Deacon Harry Gentiel, Congregational Relations
Deacon Creighton Pappas, Public Relations
Deacon Melville Papenfuss, Church Lawyer
Ross Macfadden, Lighting Technicians Union Representative
Basil Hobby, Sound Technicians Union Representative
Charles Vaccacio, Musician and Choral Union Representative
Secretary Delores Crumple

Rev. Goodenough:

In ordinary years, when Christmas falls on a weekday, the issue of whether we would hold services on Christmas Day would not even be an issue: we would not hold services. This year, we are facing a unique problem, in that Christmas falls on a Sunday. I have convened this emergency meeting to decide whether we ought to hold Christmas Sunday services this year. My assistant pastor, Rev. Kacalek, will outline the pros and cons of both options.

Deacon Gentiel: [interrupting]

Excuse me, but I just want to say I won’t be at church on Christmas Day anyway. We always travel the week of Christmas, and so we don’t attend church until we return home after the New Year.

Deacon Pappas:

I suspect many folks are faced with the same issue, so canceling services would not be an inconvenience at all for them. It would in fact relieve guilt for not attending church.

Rev. Goodenough:

All good points, Gentlemen. Now, Rev. Kacalek…

Rev. Kacalek:

As Rev. Goodenough and I see it, the upside of holding church on Christmas Day is as follows. First and foremost, as our accountant Mr. Eck will tell you, simply by opening our doors we stand to gain upwards of $800,000.00 in donations from a congregation that might top 7000 on Christmas Day. Consider that on Christmas Day, our television audience is the largest of any day of the year and our profits go up exponentially. Close the doors, and ever penny of that disappears. Money in the pocket of Christian families is money from our coffers, money that cannot be spent on any of our useful ministries. Thus we must ask ourselves, can we afford to close? I believe our Union friends will confirm that our staff is paid for the holiday regardless of whether they actually work or not, so closing on Christmas is a huge loss for us and for Christ’s ministry on Earth.

Ross Macfadden:

You know this whole debate is moot. If you read our contract, as well as the contract of every union employee of the church, you’ll see that we are promised Christmas off regardless of the day of the week on which it falls.

Deacon Papenfuss:

…except in extraordinary circumstances.

Ross Macfadden:

What?

Deacon Papenfuss:

Your Union contracts stipulate you are promised Christmas off except in extraordinary circumstances. Read it…I have read it, because I was the lawyer who drew up the contract. I was there in the negotiations.

Basil Hobby:

This isn’t an extraordinary circumstance! Christmas falls on Sunday once every eleven years or so, nothing extraordinary about that.

Deacon Papenfuss:

I remember specifically debating this issue at the time, and it was decided that rather than codifying a specific definition of “extraordinary circumstances” into the Union contracts, we would hash it out when a potential situation arose. Frankly, Gentlemen, I am not ready to concede the holiday to the Catholics and the Lutherans. For months now, we’ve been waging a ferocious fight against the Liberal war on Christmas; Rev. Goodenough has been on O’Reilly five times since Thanksgiving arguing that Christ has been made invisible in public representations of the holiday. How can we now close our doors on Christmas Day? It would be viewed as rank hypocrisy!

Deacon Pappas:

I believe I could handle the public relations aspect of a hypocrisy slander. If the issue arises, we’ll put Rev. Goodenough back on O’Reilly to explain that the day off was a “gift” to our staff.

Deacon Papenfuss:

So let me get this straight, after decrying the secularization of the holiday, we would then give our staff the day off, same as Wal-Mart or any other capitalist enterprise.

Deacon Gentiel:

Except that Wal-Mart opens up again at six on Christmas Day.

Deacon Pappas:

Hmmm. Could we have a service on Christmas Evening, then?

Ross Macfadden:

No! Our contract specifies we are to get the entire day off.

Rev. Kacalek:

We’ve already been over that point, Ross. This is an extraordinary circumstance.

Charles Vaccacio:

What’s extraordinary is that you would even think about taking us away from our families on Christmas Day, of all days of the year. This is like something out of that Christmas story! The one with the ghosts. You can’t make us work on Christmas! It’s just unheard of!

Arthur Eck:

Gentlemen, please! Let me remind you that we all work for the same employer, the King of the Mountain Church, and if the Church is profitable we all profit, and if it is unprofitable, we all suffer. As do our ministries, of course. We must decide what is best for everyone. To achieve our profit goals for fy2005, this may require sacrifice. We are not on target to meet our end-of-year budgetary needs, but staying open Christmas Day would undoubtedly put us over the top.

Deacon Gentiel:

But would large numbers really turn out? I think many people, like me, would never go to church on Christmas Day anyway. Reverand Goodenough, you haven’t told us what you think.

Rev. Goodenough:

Pastor Kacalek and I have discussed this matter almost endlessly, it sometimes seems. We bring the issue to you because we cannot reach a conclusion. It is a prickly issue. On the one hand, it is Christmas and it is Sunday, so why not hold services? On the other hand, we are not some backwater Church of God holding services in a repurposed American Legion hall. We are the King of the Mountain Church, employing thousands of people and providing services on an ordinary Sunday to thousands more. It would be disrespectful to the Lord and to His day to force people into employment upon the sabbath, for a predicted profit that may turn out to be a chimera.

Deacon Papenfuss:

So I take it you vote for closing?

Rev. Goodenough:

I am leaning in that direction.

Ross Macfadden:

Good. That decides it then, doesn’t it?

Deacon Papenfuss:

Not hardly. Let’s vote.

[A vote was taken. On the question of whether to open for services Christmas Day, all board members voted nay except Arthur Eck and Deacon Papenfuss. Deacon Papenfuss asked that his “yes” vote be specifically recorded as a strong objection to the closure.]

Rev. Goodenough:

Well, now that’s decided I can book our flight to Orlando. We’re taking the kids to Disney World for Christmas.