A Pilgrim’s Digression

I’ve really been enjoying some of the comedy resulting from Dick Cheney’s hunting accident this weekend. I don’t think comedians have had this much fun since Bill Clinton went for the head shot and misfired on Monica’s blue dress.

However, some comedians have respectfully toned down the hilarity, in the wake of the shooting victim’s heart attack yesterday; but there are still a few gems out there I want to collect here, for my own enjoyment later in life.

David Letterman has had the best quips about Cheney, in my opinion. Here are some of his quotes from February 13 and 14.

“But here is the sad part—before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied [Whittington's] request for body armor.”

“We can’t get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.”

“The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he’s fine. He took a little in the wallet.”

[From Feb. 14] “Good news today, so far Dick Cheney has not shot any body.”

“If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they’re gonna have to tell the President.”

“The big thing now is, is this a one time thing, or will the Vice President try to kill again?”

“Everyone’s in the mood for Valentine’s day. Earlier today, Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow.”

The Daily Show has also had a few yucks at Cheney’s expense.

Rob Corddry, Daily Show correspondent, “The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington’s face.”

Even ABC’s political blog, The Note, gets in on the gags, proposing this phony news release from the Cheney spokeswoman:

“Good afternoon. I am Lea Anne McBride, Vice President Cheney’s spokeswoman.  I hope you will understand that, for reasons of national security, the White House could not release this information earlier and there is much we still can not say now in order to protect operational integrity. On Saturday morning it was discovered via the kind of intercept technology that the Democrats want to do away with that Mr. Harry Whittington had been in contact over the last several months with several high-level al Qaeda operatives operating in Iraq.”

“That information was quickly relayed to the Vice President’s hunting party, but not in time to stop them from embarking on their shoot. Secret Service attempted to apprehend Mr. Whittington for questioning in the field, but he ran and they were unable to apprehend him. It was in fact Mr. Cheney who, acting quickly in the face of a serious and immediate threat, took aim at Mr. Whittington and shot to stun him. The Vice President’s quick thinking, flinty resolve, and sure shooting averted a major catastrophe. As additional intercepts of the kind Democrats want to do away with have shown, Mr. Whittington planned to attack and bring down the tallest building between the Rio Grande and the panhandle.”

“At this hour, Mr. Whittington is being transferred from his hospital bed to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he can be better treated under optimal conditions. The gratitude of the American people go out today to the Vice President.”

“We will have no further comment on this matter.”

“Thank you.”

For a complete list of Cheney jokes, you can go to this page at about.com, Dick Cheney Jokes.  There are simply too many jokes to list here.

I don’t have anything to add to the serious matter of whether the Vice President should make some sort of public comments about the accident.  I think he should at least go in front of cameras and apologize to Whittington, even if he Whittington feels no apology is necessary.

Also, amidst all the tortured analysis on the news, I’ve heard several “hunting experts” state how common it is to get shot in a hunting accident.  The woman who first broke this story to the small town Texas newspaper that got the scoop said she had been “peppered” before herself.

Maybe bird hunters are just notoriously careless, but it seems like a gross exaggeration to make these kinds of accidents out to be utterly commonplace, usually not even requiring a doctor’s visit.  I grew up as a West Virginia small game hunter, so I have some experience in the matter.

During my teenage years, I spent nearly every Saturday in January and February hunting rabbit and quail with the men in my family.  Rabbit hunting is much like bird hunting, in that a group of four or five men form a line and traipse through woods and across fields trying to flush rabbits out of briar bushes and from under cover.  Although our primary target was always rabbit, we would take a shot at a quail, if we flushed one.

The one cardinal rule I was taught by my Dad and Grandpa was that before you pull the trigger, always, always know where the other hunters are located in relation to you.  We had no rule about announcing ourselves.  It was always the responsibility of the fellow pulling the trigger to know where and at what he was shooting.

We hunted with shotguns, as well, and in all my years no one I hunted with was ever “peppered.”  I asked my Grandpa if he had ever personally known of or been involved in a hunting accident like this, and he said no, never.

We tended to hunt with more powerful shotguns than Cheney and his friends.  I carried a 16 gauge Browning semi-automatic; in my early years, I used a double-barrel 20 gauge.  My Dad and Grandpa always carried their 12 gauge Brownings.  Duck hunters often use a 10 gauge, the most powerful shotgun that I know of (I think there may be an 8 gauge, but I am not sure about that).

From what I’ve read, Cheney was carrying a 28 gauge.  I hadn’t even heard of such a gun, before this incident.  Typically, children are given a .410 when they first begin shooting; whether the 28 gauge is lighter than a .410, I don’t know; but it seems like a very light weapon, though I suppose for a delicate bird like quail, one would want a light weapon.  Maybe Cheney simply was careless because he didn’t take seriously the damage that could be done by one of these guns.  That carelessness seems implicit in comments by “experts” who talk about being “peppered” as if it were nothing more serious than the recoil of the gun when you fire it.