[Following is a parody of a typical Ann Coulter column, based on what I perceive her response would be to a very real news story taken from the Washington Post. The character I created to represent Ms. Coulter does not really exist, nor does the town newspaper for which she writes].
Anne Crupper is an op-ed contributor for the Pinchburg Vigilante, a daily newspaper for Pinchburg, Missouri. Although Ms. Crupper has spent time in Washington as a speech writer for Senator Rick Santorum, she has never abandoned her provincial values. Her columns on local and national issues, from a brash Conservative perspective, have gained her a devoted following and led to the syndication of her column on Conservative websites such as TownHall.com. Ms. Crupper’s first book, Not Just Godless: how the Democratic Party has embraced Satanism, will be published by Regnery in November 2006.
Democrat Says: There’s No Nicer Witch Than You
Any number of labels can justly be applied to the Democratic Party and its hate-filled, mind-numbed liberal constituency. A Democrat is a traitor, a liar, a coward, a Socialist, a terrorist sympathizer, a baby killer, and a sexual predator; yet however evil liberal Democrats have become, no major member of the Democratic Party could be called a Devil Worshiper. Until now.
As reported in the Washington Post, on July 10 Virginia Governor Tim Kaine pardoned the state’s only person ever to be convicted of witchcraft. In 1706, Grace Sherwood was accused of witchcraft. To determine the truth of the charge ahainst her, the local authorities gave her a trial by water, an accepted practice for determining whether a person is a witch or not. Her thumbs were tied to her toes and she was thrown into a river, where she floated to the top, a clear sign that she was indeed a witch.
Governor Kaine, apparently, thinks he knows better than our forefathers how to deal with witches: he pardons them. In a typical display of astounding liberal arrogance, Kaine said, “With 300 years of hindsight, we all certainly can agree that trial by water is an injustice.” In other words, those Colonials were a bunch of intolerant, backwoods bigots; if they found Sherwood to be a witch, they must have been motivated by misogyny and ignorance.
Liberals disgust me with how easily they can dismiss the wisdom of our ancestors.
Why not give the witch a Congressional Gold Medal while we’re at it? I am sure Ted Kennedy would gladly endorse such an award, even when he is sober. Heck, why not pay restitution to the witch’s family. The entire Democratic caucus will stand behind any resolution to award taxpayer dollars to someone who has done nothing to earn it.
What most appalls, in reading this story, is the flagrant way in which Governor Kaine stepped over the bodies of martyred Christians in order to pluck this one obscure witch from history. In the days before Thomas Jefferson (blessed be his name) enshrined religious freedom in our law, undoubtedly there were Christians tortured for their beliefs at the hands of ruthless, British inquisitors. Yet Kaine can’t seem to find one single eighteenth century Christian to pardon who was tortured or executed for his beliefs.
The trial by water test the witch Elizabeth Sherwood was subjected to does not even constitute torture, by most modern standards. The United States Army Field Manual prescribes a similar kind of “torture,” known as waterboarding, as appropriate for the interrogation of terrorists. The practice of dunking, or waterboarding, or testing by water, has been around since the middle ages and is an honorable technique of coaxing a recalcitrant terrorist, witch, or heretic to provide useful information to the authorities.
Moreover, almost totally elided from the news articles concerning the “pardoning” of the confessed witch, Elizabeth Sherwood, is the fact that she suffered no real damage, either physical or material. She survived and was released! She was not burned at the stake in 1706, as she no doubt should have been (apparently, there were bleeding heart liberals in the eighteenth century, as well).
Afterwards, she lived out a quiet life on her property until she died in 1740. Yet to hear the liberal Kaine discourse on the subject, Sherwood suffered the most grievous of injustices, when in fact she received not a fraction of the punishment she deserved.
Kaine’s deference for a Satan worshipper is merely one more symptom of how the Democratic party has completely abandoned the values of ordinary, Bible-believing Americans. Liberals have embraced the Prince of Darkness as their “god,” and they are worshipping him daily, through acts both small and great.
Governor Kaine’s pardon of Elizabeth Sherwood, the Witch of Pungo, may seem insignificant, but it must not be viewed as a single act of misguided kindness. When a Democrat pardons a witch, it must be viewed as a treasonous, heretical act of aggression against America and our Lord Jesus Christ.