That is only partially related to the separate accounts question, but I agree with Todd that there is a relationship. Anyway, can’t have it both ways - separate accounts don’t really make a difference but it’s a good idea . . .

I’m not fully qualified to comment on the question, because I couldn’t even imagine marrying a woman who wanted to have separate accounts (or who thought that would be ok for me to do). Further, my wife does not work, but gets the privilege and burden of staying home to take care of the children and run the house. Not that she will never work at all, but not now while our children are young. So we don’t have the “dual-income problem”.

After re-reading Heather’s last post, there’s not much to disagree with I don’t think. It’s essential that both people have a agreement about money, how to handle it, similar attitude, etc. And we do (I mean my wife and I, personally) have some stress over when she or I spends money and things are tight. I think regardless of the account situation, there will be stress and if things get tight it will be a major stresser. How the couple handles it may well determine whether they survive or not.

Oh, and your dweebs in the elevator sound like fairly typical losers, sad to say. Then again, we’ve all done something typical and loser-ish at some point, I’m sure. Glad you challenged their assumptions for a second, even if it was in vain.

And in the last example… It’s not just the separate accounts. Everything’s separate. And secret, to boot. That’s what I’m talking about with there being other things present that make the situation seem less than healthy.

Perhaps I’m being too narrow in my focus here, by focusing on the bank accounts. If one is in a longterm relationship, I think it’s impossible to have a healthy one and keep all of the finances separate. You’ve got to buy something together after a while: a car, a spoon set, a vacuum cleaner, something. You’ve got to trust the other person enough at some point to enter into some sort of financial agreement together. Especially if you’ve already agreed to be married–yowza! But I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have a bit of financial independence from each other with some of the money, if that’s what both of you agree upon. (The last part is critical.) It can be much easier, in a practical sense, to maintain some of one’s own money without constantly having to ask permission to buy stuff and defend oneself for withdrawals, etc etc etc.

When two people are interdependent on one another, though, a lot of the mechanics remain the same with the separate accounts. There’s still a set amount of money coming into the house. You still have to consult on large purchases. You still have to trust that the other person will have their half when it comes time to pay for something. And oftentimes, for practical reasons, their name probably will end up on one another’s accounts, as secondaries, in case of medical emergency.

Perhaps there is a nasty symbolism. But it can be a good arrangement for practical reasons, depending on the couple’s attitude on money.

Man, I’m pretty verbose. Sorry about that.

I would say the same if it were a woman who insisted on separate accounts, or more. I have a relative who keeps a separate bank account, separate credit cards, separate bank loans from her husband; and more than that, she keeps them secret. Anyone who tells me that’s a good thing must be smoking some Grade-A crack.

Lack of shared bank accounts could be a sign of a lack of commitment, if coupled with other things. But that in and of itself isn’t sufficient to make such a conclusion. Especially if a bunch of other things are present — shared ownership in real estate or cars, signing a legal marriage or partnership document, wills, who’s named in the insurance, powers of attorney, taxes, etc etc etc. In a very practical sense, and especially once all of that legal stuff is involved, the bank account is the least of what can be separated if/when things go south.