Overheard in an Elevator
Two young men get on an elevator in a government building in Washington, D.C. The first, named Dick, is tall and rather pudgy with blonde hair cut in a flat-top. He walks with a limp. The second fellow, Tom, is shorter, darker, with black hair slicked back on his head and a scraggly moustache under his nose that would be better off shaved. Both men are government employees, but are dressed casually. Dick is wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a peach polo shirt that drapes rather unflatteringly over his paunchy belly; Tom, who is more in-shape, wears a blue and white striped polo and jeans. Both men look to be in their mid to late twenties.
“So what happened to you and Vanessa?” Tom asks Dick.
“We broke up,” Dick says, grinning.
“What? Why?”
“She asked me to pay her cell phone bill one month.”
“Ah, you don’t need that shit, man,” Tom says.
“Hell no.”
“How long did you two date?”
“About a year, I guess. But I still ain’t paying her phone bill.”
“How high was it?”
“She was behind on it, so it was about three hundred dollars,” Dick says.
“Shit…go in debt for a woman.”
Pause. Then Tom asks, almost in a whisper, “She good in bed?”
“Why does that matter?” Dick asks.
“Well, you know, you could look at it as paying for services…”
Both men laugh.
“She wasn’t worth no three hundred dollars!” Dick says, and they laugh harder.
“Yeah, you’re better off without her,” Tom says, once their laughter has subsided. “Next she’ll have you paying her credit card bills.”
Silence. The elevator is almost at the ground floor. Before we get there, I want to say something. I want to tell the pudge that he probably shouldn’t be so tight with his money, that maybe he ought to be grateful to have found someone to sleep with his sorry ass, but instead I say:
“You know, once you get married you’d be paying her bills anyway. What’s the difference?”
The two of them look at me but don’t say anything for a moment, so that I start to feel like an ass for saying anything at all.
Then Dick says, “Separate bank accounts. Every married couple needs separate bank accounts.”
The elevator door opens and the two men get off. I follow behind, letting them get some distance ahead of me.
Questions: if you had been in a monogamous relationship for a year, would you pay his/her cell phone bill, if asked? Should married or otherwise exclusive, committed couples have separate bank accounts?
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This is a very interesting question. And before I start a-rambling, let me just say those guys sound like real assholes. Joking indeed–let the sex “pay” for the cell phone bill. With the guy who sounds like a real catch. Where do I sign up for this?
But anyway… I’m funny with my money. I admit it. I work hard, save some, want shit paid off. I don’t even know if I could have a longterm relationship with someone who’s completely irresponsible with their money. I’m not sure what that says about me. With that said, about the cell phone, it depends. If it’s a one-time thing and they fell behind, I’d probably pay for it. It’s been a yearlong relationship for god’s sake–stop being so cheap. If it’s part of a pattern of irresponsibility, hell no. Get a land line and pay your damn bill.
I’m aware of a couple who has a mixture of shared and joint accounts. Their personal money is in separate accounts; the house stuff is paid from a new joint account. This would be quite suitable for me. Perhaps in the future they might mingle everything. But perhaps not. I know another couple who have separate accounts for everything. It’s a third marriage for the woman and the second for the man and i think this arrangement was borne out of some very hard lessons learned. But this works for them.
I say do what feels best for you. If you’re not ready to share absolutely everything, I don’t see anything wrong with separate accounts. Unless that causes a rift in the relationship. And if it does cause a rift, perhaps you need to examine yourself and the relationship. If you feel better with joint stuff, join everything up. Some people prefer one person to handle all finances, and that’s best done with joining everything.
Comment by Heather — Thursday, 22 March 2007 @ 1:39 pm
I always thought that it was a natural extension to combine finances, but I guess it also depends on the age of the people involved. Remarried couples often keep separate accounts; my father and stepmom do, to a point. Actually, I think she has her money and then she has my dad’s money, too.
But if you’ve lived on your own for a long time (longer than the traditional young age) then you’re less likely to combine your money.
I think keeping separate accounts when a little older coming to a relationship makes sense, while using joint accounts for certain expenses. Then you can preserve a bit of financial independence.
And yes, I think I wouldn’t go anywhere near someone who was financially irresponsible.
Sounds like these guys were a couple of pricks.
I think it’s OK to pay an expense for someone you’ve been with for a while, if it’s an emergency or necessity. If she’d asked for shoes, she’d probably merit the no. But if she used all her minutes talking to her asshole boyfriend, he might’ve helped a little.
I’d say that neither one of them were probably a catch, and that he probably would’ve been better off taking what he could get
Comment by Mel B. — Thursday, 22 March 2007 @ 6:43 pm
Interesting how little analysis and outrage over the general attitude of these guys….but I will jump in on the financial question as well: Honestly, the separate finances bit doesn’t make much sense to me and I would go so far as to say it signals a lack of seriousness about monogamy. You don’t leave those kinds of openings in plain view if you are serious about your SO. Doing so makes separation much too easy because one being is not fully invested literally and figurately in the other.
Comment by todd — Thursday, 22 March 2007 @ 7:12 pm
I don’t know, man. I’ve worked in a bank and seen too many relationships dissolve before my very eyes to be very dogmatic about sharing the money.
Lack of shared bank accounts could be a sign of a lack of commitment, if coupled with other things. But that in and of itself isn’t sufficient to make such a conclusion. Especially if a bunch of other things are present — shared ownership in real estate or cars, signing a legal marriage or partnership document, wills, who’s named in the insurance, powers of attorney, taxes, etc etc etc. In a very practical sense, and especially once all of that legal stuff is involved, the bank account is the least of what can be separated if/when things go south.
Comment by Heather — Friday, 23 March 2007 @ 11:07 am
I’m admittedly conservative on this question and, I might add, with little experience beyond my own.
Comment by todd — Saturday, 24 March 2007 @ 7:44 pm
I tend to agree with Heather that, considering how difficult it is to disentangle one’s finances during a divorce, joint bank accounts are probably the least of worries. On the other hand, there is a rather nasty symbolism in a man keeping a separate bank account for himself. It suggests a paternalism that I find abhorrant; and more than that, it also suggests a lack of trust that will probably keep the marriage from thriving.
I would say the same if it were a woman who insisted on separate accounts, or more. I have a relative who keeps a separate bank account, separate credit cards, separate bank loans from her husband; and more than that, she keeps them secret. Anyone who tells me that’s a good thing must be smoking some Grade-A crack.
Comment by greypilgrim — Saturday, 24 March 2007 @ 10:42 pm
The paternalism. Now that’s something I didn’t consider. I assumed that both partners were earning money and had similar, or at least sufficient, buying power to maintain their lifestyle. If one partner constantly has to ask “may I, daddy…” Yeah. Bad.
And in the last example… It’s not just the separate accounts. Everything’s separate. And secret, to boot. That’s what I’m talking about with there being other things present that make the situation seem less than healthy.
Perhaps I’m being too narrow in my focus here, by focusing on the bank accounts. If one is in a longterm relationship, I think it’s impossible to have a healthy one and keep all of the finances separate. You’ve got to buy something together after a while: a car, a spoon set, a vacuum cleaner, something. You’ve got to trust the other person enough at some point to enter into some sort of financial agreement together. Especially if you’ve already agreed to be married–yowza! But I don’t think it’s unhealthy to have a bit of financial independence from each other with some of the money, if that’s what both of you agree upon. (The last part is critical.) It can be much easier, in a practical sense, to maintain some of one’s own money without constantly having to ask permission to buy stuff and defend oneself for withdrawals, etc etc etc.
When two people are interdependent on one another, though, a lot of the mechanics remain the same with the separate accounts. There’s still a set amount of money coming into the house. You still have to consult on large purchases. You still have to trust that the other person will have their half when it comes time to pay for something. And oftentimes, for practical reasons, their name probably will end up on one another’s accounts, as secondaries, in case of medical emergency.
Perhaps there is a nasty symbolism. But it can be a good arrangement for practical reasons, depending on the couple’s attitude on money.
Man, I’m pretty verbose. Sorry about that.
Comment by Heather — Sunday, 25 March 2007 @ 11:25 am
Yeah, we see too many relationships dissolve, but I don’t accept that as a good reason to plan for failure. I’d go so far as to say that the “planning for failure” is, on a personal level, much more likely to lead to that failure. Also, we have a really high rate of marriage failure, but much of that is second and third marriages (something like a 90% failure rate by third marriage, I think?)
That is only partially related to the separate accounts question, but I agree with Todd that there is a relationship. Anyway, can’t have it both ways - separate accounts don’t really make a difference but it’s a good idea . . .
I’m not fully qualified to comment on the question, because I couldn’t even imagine marrying a woman who wanted to have separate accounts (or who thought that would be ok for me to do). Further, my wife does not work, but gets the privilege and burden of staying home to take care of the children and run the house. Not that she will never work at all, but not now while our children are young. So we don’t have the “dual-income problem”.
After re-reading Heather’s last post, there’s not much to disagree with I don’t think. It’s essential that both people have a agreement about money, how to handle it, similar attitude, etc. And we do (I mean my wife and I, personally) have some stress over when she or I spends money and things are tight. I think regardless of the account situation, there will be stress and if things get tight it will be a major stresser. How the couple handles it may well determine whether they survive or not.
Oh, and your dweebs in the elevator sound like fairly typical losers, sad to say. Then again, we’ve all done something typical and loser-ish at some point, I’m sure. Glad you challenged their assumptions for a second, even if it was in vain.
Comment by Step — Monday, 16 April 2007 @ 10:44 am