A Pilgrim’s Digression

I seem to have lost any purpose for keeping this blog. The blog posts have become fewer and farther between over the past few months. Ideas for blog posts no longer spring readily to mind. I find myself meditating blog posts about the intemperately hot weather, or of descriptions of my lunch. I just no longer have anything to write about.

That is probably a weak excuse. A good writer could find something worthy of writing about in the most mundane of events. The fact is, I no longer enjoy blogging. It has become a chore that I put off until guilt, or a desire to communicate with friends, prompts me to write one more post.

I am trying to say I think I may be done with blogging. I am not deleting my blog, or doing anything drastic, because the impetus to write may one day return. Heck, I may write another blog post tomorrow. I just feel like I need to explain why I haven’t written much over the past couple months.

In case this is my last blog post, however, I want to wrap up a couple subjects I have written about a little.

We visited my family in West Virginia two weekends ago, and I call them on a weekly basis. My grandmother has started chemotherapy, and her doctors have revised the prognosis somewhat. She may have two years to live now, rather than the three to six months originally predicted. Physically, she has not been suffering from any of the illnesses usually associated with chemo. She seems a little tired, but she still felt well enough to cook for us while we visited, and she happily watched Brendan for us while we went out visiting other family members. Overall, it is still hard to even imagine that she is terminally ill at all.

On another matter, I began seeing a new therapist two weeks ago, as well. My next appointment is this Friday. My first session started well. I told him I was determined to be brutally honest with him and with myself. I wanted no sympathy or excuses for who I am. I am not going to blame my parents, my upbringing, or school bullies for the weak and puling child that I am. Further, I revealed things to him that I have never revealed to anyone before, except for my wife.

In the past, I’ve tried to make excuses for myself, or make myself out to be a victim; I’ve tried to minimize my selfishness and egotism. I am trying to overcome those tendencies and gain a clear, honest evaluation of my self. My hope is that my new therapist can help me with this self-evaluation.

My vasectomy: it has been six weeks, and yesterday I delivered my specimen to the urologist for testing. I have to call today to find out if I am finally, completely infertile. Although the operation is probably easier on the man than the equivalent operation for a woman, I did find that the recovery was longer, and more uncomfortable than I was led to believe.

Even now, there is some tenderness in my right testicle. Perhaps because it hangs a little lopsided, any kind of pressure, even from my pants, can make it throb until I am able to adjust it.

Also, it took at least two to three weeks for the wounds to fully heal, and the itching while they healed was often uncomfortable and inconvenient. Sex was uncomfortable for several weeks, as well, due to the pressure factor. Any position or activity that put pressure on my balls was painful; and even now sex can still be a little painful, though much less so.

Was the vasectomy worth it? Yes, I think so. I wish I had known a little better how long it would take to fully recover, though. It seems to me that the men I talked to all minimized the surgery and its aftermath, probably out of machismo or whatever. However, that said, for the most part I have now completely recovered. There is no visible scarring, and I am almost back to my former level of sexual activity.

In conclusion, I don’t know if I am going to have anything to write about beyond this point. I may move to a monthly update kind of format. Certainly, this blog is no longer going to have any pretension to social or literary worth. If this blog continues, even in reduced format, it will be as a sort of occasional open letter to friends. I don’t view that as a decline, but merely as a change in focus for the little I continue writing, as I myself have changed the focus of my life from selfish strivings to self-understanding and personal growth.