Christmas Miracle
“I’m thinking we need a new action hero. I’m thinking we need Jesus,” Dean Witter, CEO of 21st Century Toys says.
He is leaning back in his posh, leather Executive High Back Ergonomic office chair, the tips of his fingers tented just under his chin in the “here’s the steeple” position. Behind him, outside the 76th floor window, a blazing hot July sun squats on the city of Indianapolis.
“Jesus?” Morgan Stanley, Vice-President of Marketing, says reticently. He and Arthur Anderson, the VP of advertising, share a look of uncertainty.
“We sell primarily war toys, Sir,” Arthur finally says.
“Yes, yes,” Dean says impatiently. “Sales of war toys may be booming now, but this Iraq business can’t last much longer. The American people have already lost interest. We need to think about the Next Great Thing, and I’m thinking it’s Jesus.”
Morgan says, “Well, it is time to begin thinking about the Christmas season, I guess.”
“Exactly,” Dean says, sitting forward in his chair. “Now here’s my idea: I want to sell an action-adventure Jesus. Hell, maybe we’ll sell a whole line of Bible-based toys. ”
Dean looks at Arthur a little too slyly, and Arthur says, “You’ve already been working on this idea without telling us, haven’t you, Dean?”
Dean laughs.
“Dean, I hate it when you do this!” Arthur says.
Dean says, “Yeah, I’ve had some of the guys in the trenches put in a little overtime without letting on what was happening.”
Dean pushes the intercom button on his phone, and when his secretary answers, he says, “We’re ready for them.”
The door to his office opens and Jim Caviezel walks in dressed as Jesus (un-flogged). He is wearing a rough-woven tunic and Birkenstocks, the new Florida style, accompanied by two young men in suits who look as handsome and as light-skinned as GQ models. One is Caviezel’s lawyer, Noel Bodkin, of the firm Bodkin, Buskin, and Blount. The second fellow, blonde and dashing, is Brad Lightgreen, VP of the conceptual design department.
“Fellas, meet Jesus. I mean Jim Caviezel,” Dean says, laughing.
Caviezel smiles and nods beneficently, saying nothing. All of the men shake his hand vigorously.
“I can’t believe it, Dean! You mean you’ve got Him to work on this project with us?” Arthur says as he pumps the actor’s hand like a foam stress ball.
“We sure do. Jesus…I mean Jim…is firmly aboard. He is both our model for the new Jesus action figure, and he is going to star in our commercials.”
“Oh my God!” Morgan says, looking as if he is about to faint away like a school girl meeting Orlando Bloom.
“Dean, you’ve out-done yourself,” Arthur says. “This is a sure thing. I know all my reservations are gone. We’ve got a real winner here!”
“Alright then,” Dean says, “Since Jesus…I mean, Jim has won you over, let’s cut right to it. Brad, let’s see your designs.”
“Yes sir,” Brad says, moving around Dean’s desk to the walnut cabinet recessed into the wall, as the other men find seats. A hidden switch triggers a slide-away panel, revealing a 42 inch Sony Grand WEGAâ„¢ LCD Rear Projection HD-TV. Brad inserts a DVD into the companion Sony DVD player on the shelf under the TV.
“I haven’t even seen these myself,” Dean says excitedly, sitting forward in his chair. “Brad, you just pull out all stops. Really sell this toy to us like the pitchman you are.”
The DVD contains stills of the designs, which Brad can move through using the DVD controller. However, the first slide is a re-cut scene from the Passion: instead of the Jewish priest tossing a small pouch of coins to Judas, who fumbles them, in the re-cut scene, Jesus-Jim tosses an over-flowing saddlebag of money to a grinning Dean Witter. The men all laugh at this clever witticism.
“Mel himself helped us arrange that shot,” Brad remarks. “I’ve got a funny story about Mel, by the way; remind me to tell you later. Mel hates chicken salad…just remind me,” he says, winking at Dean.
As Brad begins, it is clear he has rehearsed his pitch many times, but like the good actor he is, he makes it sound as if he is speaking his lines for the first time, with utmost sincerity.
“You cried for him in The Passion of the Christ; you feared him in Left Behind. ‘Allow the little children to come to me,’ Jesus said; and for the low price of just $29.99, parents can finally abide by Jesus’ commandment. He’s Jesus Christ, the new action figure from 21st Century Toys.”
As an aside, Brad added, “We’ve had to change a few biblical verses for our marketing purposes, by the way. Originally, Jesus said, “Suffer the little children,” but we thought the image of suffering children was somewhat incompatible with selling a toy.”
Brad clicked the left arrow on the DVD remote. As the slide changed to reveal the first still photo of the Jesus action figure, there were audible gasps from Arthur and Morgan, and even from Dean.
“Jesus…I mean Jim…he looks just like You!” Morgan said admiringly. “Such a brawny chest!”
“Such a slim waist,” Arthur interjected.
Dean said, “Yes, it’s a great-looking product, but tell us more, Brad. What does Jesus do? Are we talking Kung Fu Grip here, or what? Looks alone ain’t gonna sell this toy.”
Dean acted like he already knew the answer to his question and was just setting Brad up to continue his pitch.
“I’m glad you asked, Dean. We’ve seen over the years that Biblical toys have flopped time and again because, frankly, they are boring. They don’t come with any accessories, and typically, the stories behind the toys are non-violent and not all that interesting to kids. I mean, we could make action figures out of Lot and his daughters, but, uh, those would be more “adult collector” oriented!”
No one laughed. “Who is Lot?” Arthur asked.
Dean interrupted, “Our research department says that joke will play in Peoria. They know Lot in Peoria. So forget who Lot was for a moment, Arthur. Go on, Brad.”
Brad continued, “Yes, many have tried to break into this market and many have failed. You just can’t make a good action figure out of Jonah.”
Arthur looked as if he were going to interrupt, but sat back.
“…I mean, come on, Jonah doesn’t even kill the whale. It spits him out. Not much action there. But Jesus! Did you know the Bible only details the first few years and the very last year of Christ’s life? There is an entire middle section of his life no one knows anything about. That’s why we’ve hired a team of writers to come up with a decent back story for what Christ was doing in between his baptism and his crucifixion. We are even in talks with Marvel comics, hoping that we can come to an arrangement whereby they launch a new comic book that will help us sell the toy, the way they did with G.I. Joe in the eighties. We want to call it “Jesus Christ, A Real American Hero.”
“Oooh, I like that,” Morgan said. “How about you, Jesus…I mean Jim?”
Caviezel smiled beneficently and crossed one leg over the other.
“I like the Marvel idea,” Dean said, “So do we have any back story to speak of yet?”
“Well, the writers are working on that. I do have a sample package here for the doll…excuse me, action figure.”
“Yes, remember boys won’t buy a doll. Always refer to it as an action figure,” Dean said.
Brad passed a piece of cardboard packaging to Dean. “The blurb is on the back, and I think it gives you a pretty good idea what kind of story we’re creating for Jesus.”
Dean read aloud: “In the dark days of the Roman Empire, one man was born to bring justice to an unjust world. Dealing death to those who oppressed the weak, Jesus Christ strode like a giant across the land of Israel. His Super Powers include Super Strength for overturning tables, Super Exorcism Power for casting out evil demons, Super Transmutation Power for turning one thing into another, and most powerful of all, Super Resurrection Power for raising an undead Army to wage war against his nemesis, the Evil Emperor, Pontius Pilate.”
“I like that!” Noel said, speaking for the first time. “I suppose you have an Emperor Pilate figure in mind, too, then?”
“We have a whole line of figures in mind, if Jesus sells,” Brad said. “We have a series of demons for Jesus to fight, tentatively named Lucifer, Baal, Belial, Azazel, Moloch, and Curmudgeon. My personal favorite among the demon figures, however, is Mammon. We’ve got some great prototype designs for him. We also have a Virgin Mary figure. I’ve thought of her slogan myself: “With real intact virginity!” She will come with a fetal Jesus, which a child can plug into a slot in her back so that her stomach glows miraculously.”
“What about a love interest for Jesus?” Dean said “There has to be a female action figure of some kind so Christian boys can, you know, learn about women’s bodies.”
“Well, our writers are positing a love interest between Jesus and a woman named Mary Magdalene.”
“Wait, wait, wait…I’m confused,” Arthur said. “And I think this will confuse kids, too. There can’t be two female figures named Mary. The potential for incest is far too great. You may have to rethink that name.”
The men were silent for a few moments as they pondered this suggestion.
“Maybe…Carrie Magdalene?” Morgan suggested.
“Hmmm…not bad. I’ll suggest that to the writers,” Brad said.
“Terry Magdalene!” Arthur shouted out.
“Good one, Arthur!” Brad said. After another pause, he continued, “Well, I’ve saved the best for last. Jesus…I mean, Jim…was not only the model for our action figure, He has also recorded some 30 sayings of Jesus which we are going to place on a microchip in Jesus’ thigh. Our Jesus is going to speak!”
Here, there was genuine pandemonium as the men tried to talk over one another, all except Jesus, who sat smiling beneficently.
“What will He say, Brad?” Dean asked.
“Oh, he’s not just going to speak. He’s going to communicate with the other dolls…er, action figures. And as a special treat, I’ve brought two prototypes here today to demonstrate for you.”
From his briefcase, Brad took out nude, unpainted dolls of Jesus and his mother, Mary.
Seeing these for the first time, Dean said, “Aren’t her breasts a little small? I mean, she is a mother, so presumably she breast fed?”
Brad answered, “Oh, we designed her with tiny breasts so all the small-breasted Christian women in Texas would not feel inadequate.”
“And I note Jesus has no genitalia at all,” Arthur said, “Just a smooth place at his crotch.”
“Well, we felt a Jesus with genitalia would probably offend this fellow named James Dobson. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He prefers a totally emasculated Christ.”
“Ah, I see,” Arthur said. “Proceed, then.”
Brad said, “See, whenever you put two of the action figures close together like this, their microchips activate and they speak to each other in turn.”
Brad placed Jesus and his mother facing each other, about four inches apart. Nothing happened. He then moved them closer, then closer still. Nothing happened. Finally, he put them right up against each other.
“You have made My Father’s house a den for thieves and harlots,” Jesus said tinnily.
From Mary’s thigh, the businessmen heard a man’s voice reply huskily, “I shall take personal pleasure in pounding the nails into your hands myself!”
“There are still some bugs to work out,” Brad said. “I think that was actually Emperor Pilate’s voice there at the end.”
“Well, gentlemen, what do you think?” Dean asked, the exhibition apparently concluded.
“Jesus is gonna sell out like a Tom Jones Vegas Extravaganza!” Arthur cried.
“This is going to be our Christmas miracle, our iPod,” Morgan added.
“What do you think, Jesus…I mean, Jim?” his lawyer, Noel asked.
Jesus I mean Jim smiled beneficently and said, “Render unto Jim that which is Jim’s, and the return on your investment shall be seventy percent.”
“That means He thinks its time to renegotiate better terms for his services,” Noel said, smiling wickedly.