A Pilgrim’s Digression

At that time, Moses went up unto God upon Sinai to hear what the Lord would say unto him, and the Lord called to him out of the mountain, saying, “Thus shalt thou say unto my people, the children of Israel; ye have seen what I did unto the Egyptians and all the enemies of Israel; how I did arm the sword of Israel with my righteousness, that they might smite their enemies and so take unto themselves their promised land. Ye are my people, and if ye will obey me in all things, indeed, I will keep you as mine own children.”

Said the Lord, “One more commandment I will add to the original ten, and this commandment thou shalt keep, for my word is law: Let no persons touch themselves perversely, nor any man spill his seed upon the barren ground, lest he be stricken blind and all his land made waste, his wives and daughters made barren, and his sons without issue; so let it be unto the fourth generation, or such time as he repents. Thou shalt beget children in all fruitfulness, for this is good in the sight of the Lord. Thou shalt not masturbate. So saith the Lord. These are the words which thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel.”

And Moses went and called for the elders of the people and spoke to them all the words which the Lord commanded him. And a groan went up throughout Israel.

And it so happened that at about this time, in the land of Noggin, there lived a man named Jehosaphat, son of Onan, of the tribe of Judah.

Now Jehosaphat had only one wife, Michal, and during the time of her uncleanness, because Jehosaphat would obey the law, he did put Michal away and did not lie with her.

Moreover Jehosaphat loved Michal and would not take a concubine to lie with him during the time of Michal’s uncleanness; so that all night, Jehosaphat turned upon his bed, and all day, Jehosaphat burned and could not be soothed, until such time as Michal returned unto him.

Thus it happened every month, until one night, after Michal was removed from him, Jehosaphat cried out unto the Lord: “Lord, Lord; your servant Jehosaphat has obeyed you in all things, for I do know the law, but in this one thing I cannot be obedient; forgive me this trespass.”

And Jehosaphat did touch himself perversely, and masturbated.

And immediately, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against his servant Jehosaphat, and Jehosaphat was stricken blind and a curse fell upon his land and the womb of Michal was made barren.

And Jehosaphat and all his house rent their robes in lamentation, for the wrath of the Lord was indeed terrible.

Now it came to pass that Jehosaphat went unto the temple to make sacrifice and ask the forgiveness of the Lord; and he heard much wailing and gnashing of teeth and he asked his servant, who was not yet blind, “What is all this wailing and gnashing of teeth?”

And the servant answered, “Master, all Israel is afflicted, and men wander through the streets blind and the crops have withered and died and the women are barren.”

And Jehosaphat was sore amazed.

And it came to pass after this, that Jehosaphat knelt to pray, and the Lord spake unto him from a thick cloud, saying, “O children of Israel, how much longer will you provoke me? Did I not say unto thee, Thou shalt not masturbate?”

And Jehosaphat fell upon his face before the Lord, and said, “Lord, thy wrath is indeed great; but have I not been thy obedient servant in all things except this one thing which thou wilt have me do? Does not all Israel suffer under the burden of this thy commandment, which we cannot obey?”

Then the Lord answered Jehosaphat out of the thick cloud, saying, “Who is this that speaks without knowledge? Will he contend with the Almighty, and instruct him in righteousness? He that reproveth God, let him answer.”

And Jehosaphat answered, saying, “Lord, I am wretched, for I cannot shut up my mouth. How long wilt thou oppress thy children? To the beast of the field that does commit all manner of crime without knowledge, to it thou art a merciful God; but to thine own children thou wilt show no mercy.”

And straightaway the wrath of the Lord was kindled anew, and the Lord was wroth, and said, “Thou son of Belial, thou art no child of mine; I spew thee out. From henceforth thy name shall be Mastabah; that is, Perverse; and the palms of thy hands shalt bear a mark, so that righteous men shall know thee; so shalt thou be all the remaining days of thy life. Thus said the Lord unto his servant Jehosaphat, and so it was.

And it happened that not long after this, the Lord was moved by the suffering of the children of Israel, for their suffering was great; for even the women did not obey the Lord, and were stricken blind, and all the people were starving.

And the Lord said unto himself, “I will show them the power of my great mercy. Thou shalt not masturbate will no more be a commandment; but he who does touch himself perversely and masturbates, he shall be afflicted with great guilt all the days of his life, so that his sin shall be as a secret curse to him. Thus saith the Lord.”

And immediately the curse was lifted from the earth and men did see again, and the wombs of their wives were unloosed.